I like to put my feelings out there about my life and the people who is in my box and outside my box! There are just a hand full of people inside my box that I can say I have lots of truset in them, sad to say that's not including my family I will say this I don't consider myself part of the family! I feel like I am a stranger that is looking inside hoping that someone would look out and realise that I am a part of them. I always felt like I am a reflection they only see my shallow but not me, when I tried to go to visit for some reason I had to pretend that I am excited to be there but on the other hand I am not, people would say that I should be ashamed of myself for not trying to involve myself to be honest why should I have to show any interest? You would think that family whould be there because of my situation? It shouldn't matter if I do have a disability or not but that's life you have to roll with it and tried to have some dignity for them and respect.
I don't unstand why people take my kindness for weakness? I believe that I have a habit of clinging on to people because I am looking for some affection from somebody, so when someone that I am really close to I get attached to quickly and when things don't work out I get so emotional, evening when they just going on a trip for a while but the sad part is that I know they are returning home. I believe that I need to stop relying on others and start to have fath in myself and be strong, I know that they can't always be around but on the other hand it's ok to feel emotional about certain things because life is like a maze you just have to find your way out and have confident in yourself.
To be continue.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
PRIVACY
Well it been six days since I went out! Sad to repart that for some reason I am enjoying being home I feel safe and more content! Don't get me wrong I like going out an meaning people and learning about different things, but I have a serious problem with commitment to others it's like when you get to know someone and you think that person would be a good roll model for you everything is going smoothly, but for some reason you don't see that person or hear from that person and you try to understand why?
That's why I don't like to get involved with people because of that reason, I call my house my domain no one can't hurt me because I have lots of control but when I am out there I feel I have no control, I made a promise to one of my friend his name is Nick that I would try to give others a chance to be around me and to show me that other people can be there for you, but sometimes your friend don't see or I don't understand that people act different when they are not around to see! I guess when people see one person treasaying that they don't care it's just different when I am around them, I feel that I don't belong there t another person with respect and dignity they feel like they need to do the same. I am not that's really sad to feel that way.
I want to talk about having any privacy! As you know that I live on my own for nine years and still going strong, but now I am getting older and wiser its time to move on to better things, see I live in a apartment that has one big room bathrom and a kitchen, I do have someone to come in to help me with dailly choice, people would say that's great to have someone to do that, but to me it's like I gave up my privacy so I can have help, sometimes I wonder can I go on having somebody that's always in my face? I would like to move in to a bigger place so I can have more privacy so I won't feel like I am closed in and I won't feel uncomfortable having visitors over.
To be continue.
That's why I don't like to get involved with people because of that reason, I call my house my domain no one can't hurt me because I have lots of control but when I am out there I feel I have no control, I made a promise to one of my friend his name is Nick that I would try to give others a chance to be around me and to show me that other people can be there for you, but sometimes your friend don't see or I don't understand that people act different when they are not around to see! I guess when people see one person treasaying that they don't care it's just different when I am around them, I feel that I don't belong there t another person with respect and dignity they feel like they need to do the same. I am not that's really sad to feel that way.
I want to talk about having any privacy! As you know that I live on my own for nine years and still going strong, but now I am getting older and wiser its time to move on to better things, see I live in a apartment that has one big room bathrom and a kitchen, I do have someone to come in to help me with dailly choice, people would say that's great to have someone to do that, but to me it's like I gave up my privacy so I can have help, sometimes I wonder can I go on having somebody that's always in my face? I would like to move in to a bigger place so I can have more privacy so I won't feel like I am closed in and I won't feel uncomfortable having visitors over.
To be continue.
Friday, January 9, 2009
STRUGGLE
I been living on my own for nine years and still going strong. When I first came to live at Project Freedom I thought that I had everything going for my self! I was working for the Bus company as a bus aid it was wonderful because the parents usually don't give people with a disability a chance to work around children! They think that people with a disability aren't capable of working in the real world. When I was working I felt so good about myself that no one couldn't stop me, but something did stop me from bening happy and safe! I can remember like it was yesterday, let me start by saying before I move here I was living with a family that took care of people that has a disability well the house that I lived in it was not accessible for me, at the time I was walking with a walker I was just doing everything having fun and beening more independent.
When I returned home I have to walk up fourteen steps I guess I was so exhausted when I got to the top step I lost my balance so I hit my back on the edge of the wall, but at that time I felt nothing! The sad part about this whole situation when it happening they told me that it was a loud noise but they didn't know what is was, I said that I lost my balance and hit my back but I got no response from them.
My struggle began in 2002 that's when I started to have physical pain in my back and at that time I had no one to take care me, I was terrified because I didn't realise what was going on around me I was so confuse and tired of not knowing the problems that I was having. It took me five years to understand and to know why my body was acting crazy, I have a old injury that's why I am in a whole lot of pain, I thought I was insane because no one believe that I was in pain they made me believe that it was all in my head at one time I believe them, so I went on living and going to different doctors and they told me the same thing so I went on takinng strong medication that had me look like a zombie, what kind of life to live if you don't know who is around you at times and what's gone on? All I did was stay in bed didn't eat hardly or have a social life I just wanted to be alone how can I enjoy being around people and on the other hand having lots of pain all time? To be honest I didn't recognise my self I felt like it was a limitation of me but in a different world, but it wasn't the world that I once knew. So finally I found a solution to my problem I search around for a decent doctor he is located in Philadelphia, the solution was to get a devise planted into me so I can receive certain amount of medication in a day, most of the time it do take away some of the pain and some time it don't. Well I am going to end right here and continue another day.
To be continue.
When I returned home I have to walk up fourteen steps I guess I was so exhausted when I got to the top step I lost my balance so I hit my back on the edge of the wall, but at that time I felt nothing! The sad part about this whole situation when it happening they told me that it was a loud noise but they didn't know what is was, I said that I lost my balance and hit my back but I got no response from them.
My struggle began in 2002 that's when I started to have physical pain in my back and at that time I had no one to take care me, I was terrified because I didn't realise what was going on around me I was so confuse and tired of not knowing the problems that I was having. It took me five years to understand and to know why my body was acting crazy, I have a old injury that's why I am in a whole lot of pain, I thought I was insane because no one believe that I was in pain they made me believe that it was all in my head at one time I believe them, so I went on living and going to different doctors and they told me the same thing so I went on takinng strong medication that had me look like a zombie, what kind of life to live if you don't know who is around you at times and what's gone on? All I did was stay in bed didn't eat hardly or have a social life I just wanted to be alone how can I enjoy being around people and on the other hand having lots of pain all time? To be honest I didn't recognise my self I felt like it was a limitation of me but in a different world, but it wasn't the world that I once knew. So finally I found a solution to my problem I search around for a decent doctor he is located in Philadelphia, the solution was to get a devise planted into me so I can receive certain amount of medication in a day, most of the time it do take away some of the pain and some time it don't. Well I am going to end right here and continue another day.
To be continue.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
CONTRADICT
I like to know why people act so different when you have lots of money? I don't care of how much money you have, I just can't stand when fake people pretend that they are so happy for you, that might be true but on the other hand they can be lying to you who really knows? The reason why I am writing my thoughts down for everyone to read because I really believe that it's really shameful there aren't many honest people out there no more, especially your own family listen to this!
Yesterday evening I received a phone call from my mother that I lower dearly well anyway she had the dastardly to ask me can I loan her some money because she needs her house fixs, well make the long story short! I made a big mistake by telling her that I won one thousand dollars before Christmas but I wanted to tell my mom that I won knowing that she might ask I was pround of my self, I was praying that none of my family wouldn't ask me for money but I was disappointed because they did ask me. How can someone just do to me knowing that I am struggling myself? That right there just makes you think is it worth wining something that you can't enjoy? She took my excitement away from me for once I just want to think about my self I want to do me and not think of others this time, to some people that might sound like I am self-aabsorbed but really I am not! I always think of others before I think of my self, see people knows my heart and that's why lots of them taks advantage of me don't know why but I do know in my soul I am a good person and everybody knows that.
I decider to write about my life it's like a diary but this time I am leting people in so I can learn how take chances in life. I want people to learn more about me and my disability and how I am feeling dailly about certain situation. So get ready because it's going to be a long ride good an bad some of it might be painful to hear all I know that it's time to let it go!?
To be continue?
Yesterday evening I received a phone call from my mother that I lower dearly well anyway she had the dastardly to ask me can I loan her some money because she needs her house fixs, well make the long story short! I made a big mistake by telling her that I won one thousand dollars before Christmas but I wanted to tell my mom that I won knowing that she might ask I was pround of my self, I was praying that none of my family wouldn't ask me for money but I was disappointed because they did ask me. How can someone just do to me knowing that I am struggling myself? That right there just makes you think is it worth wining something that you can't enjoy? She took my excitement away from me for once I just want to think about my self I want to do me and not think of others this time, to some people that might sound like I am self-aabsorbed but really I am not! I always think of others before I think of my self, see people knows my heart and that's why lots of them taks advantage of me don't know why but I do know in my soul I am a good person and everybody knows that.
I decider to write about my life it's like a diary but this time I am leting people in so I can learn how take chances in life. I want people to learn more about me and my disability and how I am feeling dailly about certain situation. So get ready because it's going to be a long ride good an bad some of it might be painful to hear all I know that it's time to let it go!?
To be continue?
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